Grief...

It’s a strong word for a completely helpless feeling. If I told you the amount of time I spent contemplating whether or not I was going to post this blog, you would probably laugh at me. For one, it is a lot longer than I anticipated, so if you make it to the end, thank you and congrats! In addition to that, for those that know me, you know that I am not very open with people that aren’t close to me. If you’re just getting to know me, now you know that not so fun fact about me! Honestly, I didn’t want my first post on here to be such a long and not so happy one, so I apologize in advance if this wasn’t what you were hoping for, but here I go.

9/3/2020. This had to be by far one of the happiest days of my life. That evening, Bobby and I were on our way to a dinner with my management team from work, and he drove as I did my make up in the car. Another not so fun fact about me—I get motion sickness. Roller coasters, sitting in the back seat of a car, and now apparently doing my own make up in a moving vehicle also gives me motion sickness. I’ve done my make up in the car before, but this evening was something different. I laid back with my eyes closed and took deep breaths in an attempt to not vomit. I took Nauzene to try to get rid of the nausea, but it didn’t really work this time despite having worked in the past. We got off the freeway at our exit and one minute before turning into the restaurant I calmly told Bobby, “I am going to throw up.” Once we pulled into the parking lot, I opened my door and the door behind me to act as somewhat of a barricade to shield the unfortunate passerby for what would happen next. You guessed it. I began throwing up. The rest of the dinner was pretty good in spite of our arrival! I still wasn't feeling all that great, but I ate and managed to get a picture of my dessert (pictured below) all without a hitch.

On the way home I was still feeling kind of drained when Bobby said, “you should just take a pregnancy test,” but I honestly didn’t want to. At this point we had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half and I was tired of seeing “No-" pop up. On top of that, we had just met with a fertility specialist that same week and were preparing to move forward with treatments. I told him that if I had any tests left at the house, then I would take one, but I wasn't going to worry about it if I didn't. We got home and lo and behold, a single test was all we had. I picked up the test and simply told God “I hate feeling this way...I hate how sad this always makes me.”

I sat down to take the test and within seconds two pink positive lines appeared. I told Bobby not to get his hopes up because it could have been a false positive. At my request he went to the CVS up the street to get a few more tests because my fear wouldn't let me believe that this test actually worked. He came back, but no matter how much water I drank, I couldn't make myself pee. After what felt like forever, Bobby begrudgingly left for work and I sat there by myself trying not to stress myself over the possibility of the new tests coming out negative.

I finally had the urge to go, so I sat down once again with 2 tests in hand. One of the tests results showed up just as fast as the first, positive. The other was digital, so it took a few minutes and as soon as I saw “Yes+” pop up on that screen, I couldn’t help but cry. The tests were 3 for 3 and this is exactly what we had been waiting for. I instantly FaceTimed Bobby and when he asked what the results were, I could finally say the words “we’re having a baby!”

Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely nervous because a whole lot of life shifted in an instant, but nothing could overshadow the pure joy and love that I had for this little bean who was growing inside me. That's the nickname we began calling them, my husband's idea of course. Bobby went 100% into dad mode and I completely fell in love with him all over again. He was the same person, but somehow different in a way I can't really describe.

Without going into too many details, the next month that followed that night turned into a rollercoaster of emotions. After bruised arms from countless blood draws and an ultrasound confirmation, we went from being told by doctors that we were going to be parents, to being told that we would ultimately lose our Little Bean. I went from what was originally thought to have been a miscarriage, to having an ectopic pregnancy, which resulted in a much more exhausting process...

The physical pain was bad, but nowhere near as bad as the mental and emotional anguish that would accompany it. Days turned into weeks, and as time progressed, I felt that dark cloud looming over me still...To some extent, I still feel this way. You can't just forget something like this when you see it happening to you everyday for a month or more. I felt absolutely horrible...not only because we lost our baby, but because of the lingering feeling of grief that seemed to never leave. I was grieving, and so was Bobby, but in spite of this he was still patient and loving to me. I tried to force myself to "get over it" quickly and move on, but doesn't always work that way for everyone though...that's grief I guess.

I took some time off of work and eventually dropped out of my classes at ASU reluctantly. I felt horrible for doing that in particular...I felt like a failure on every front, and to some extent I still do if I'm being honest, but I am trying to work on that. I couldn't focus and I was exhausted all the time, and I still feel that way most days...even now. In an effort to numb the pain, I tried to burry myself in my photography which quickly became some sort of escape for me, and re-awoken the passion I once thought I was losing. Many of my clients, and even family had absolutely no clue what was going on with us, but that's okay.

I still don't necessarily feel "okay" about everything , but I am just learning to live with it. Among other things, Bobby said this to me and I couldn't have said it better myself..."it feels like a part of us is missing" and that's because it is...I am learning that not everyone's grief looks the same and it's okay that I might take longer than others to heal. I truly try not to dwell on it, but it just hits me at random times. I still have times where I just can't focus...I break down randomly and don't want to be around anyone, but I am working on that too.

To be blunt, I am definitely not looking for sympathy or a pity party, but I am trying to shed some light on what has been going on in our lives that not many people talk about. Although I can't speak for everyone I did ask friends close to me who have also gone through something similar, and I would like to shed some light on things that people who have gone through this type of loss are most likely tired of, or frankly don't want to hear...

1. Do not say, "it was not God's timing" or "it just wasn't meant to be." CLEARLY we know that more than anyone...we feel it more than anyone and it doesn't offer any kind of comfort in the slightest, so if you are about to say it, please just don't
2. Do not say, "at least you now know that you can get pregnant (again)"....that won't bring back my baby that I lost. Also, if your sentence begins with the words "at least" chances are, you should NOT say it.
3. For those who are pregnant, please do not complain about your pregnancy to me. I wish I could have a "miserable" pregnancy at this point. That would mean that my baby would still be here.
4. "Did you do something wrong to hurt yourself or the baby?" You know I didn't think that maybe I totally blinked wrong--NO. No I did nothing to harm myself or my baby.
5. "Why did your doctor have you do that?" Because they are a trained medical professional that did extensive tests and labs before making a professional decision on how we should proceed.
6. "So and so had 'X' amount of pregnancy losses and now has 'X' amount of kids!" You really want to know how this makes me feel? It makes me mortified to think that I may have to go through this AGAIN. As if one time was not enough, now I have to think about this happening more than just this time. I am already traumatized from one loss and am scared to get pregnant again, so the last thing I want to hear is about how many times it happened to someone else.
7. Please don't tell me about someone else and their new baby/pregnancy...I will be the first to say that I feel so awful for even feeling this way...I truly do, but it is difficult for me and I am working on it.
8. "At least you weren't further along." If I even have to explain this one, then that is extremely disappointing.
9. "Please tell me if you need anything." This one might sound harmless because it kind of is, but I am grieving. I do not know what I need. I don't know what I want from you. I know what I don't want, but I don't know what I want. Send me food, dessert, flowers, whatever. I don't know what I want. If you truly know me, you know the things I like. It won't solve anything, but it's thought behind the action/gift that counts. You don't even have to get me anything! Just don't ask me this because I just won't know how to respond other than "Okay. I will."
10. "You'll understand when you have kids" or "you won't get it until you are a parent." thank you for the reminder that because I lost a baby that it means I am now less of a parent. This was also my least favorite thing to be told even before we got pregnant because we were trying to have a baby and it took almost 1.5 years...you have no idea what someone is going through. In case you ever think about saying these words to anyone, or maybe you already have, just know you only sound condescending saying this and will only make someone feel lesser than, so don't.

If you ever encounter someone who goes through any kind of pregnancy loss, or just loss in general, please just offer condolences and let them know that it is okay not to be okay. Don't come from a place of judgement, but instead ask others closest to them how you can help, or maybe what you shouldn't/should say. Sometimes less is more.

For those who've stuck around until the end of this whole blog, thank you. For those who've supported us through this time, thank you. For my clients who knew our situation, thank you for your grace you had during this time. I truly love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am still working on being "okay" and I am hopeful that one day I will be. Grief sucks and 2020 has been the worst, but photography, my family, my close friends, and my awesome clients have helped so much, so for that, I seriously cannot say thank you enough.